Continuing the discussion on some of the questions raised during Monday’s Midmorning show on Minnesota Public Radio ….
One of the tougher questions of the hour was raised by a caller who asked, “Why do so many people tell you that you won’t succeed when you say you want to make the leap to a new career or life venture?
In truth, I think the answer to that question (I answered “fear” at the time … see my piece in The Atlantic the next day, for more on that answer) … is tied in to two other questions that came up during the show: “Why do so many adults fear taking a risk or pursuing a dream?” And …”How do you cope with failure?”
First … there was a fascinating article in the New York Times this past Sunday that was relevant to the question of why adults don’t take pursue more risky ventures or dreams. The piece discussed the different way the brains of babies and young children work (as opposed to adults). Adults apparently focus more on objects that are the most relevant to their goals, while babies focus on objects that will teach them the most … partly because babies’ brains are more pliable, and open to many possibilities. Adults’ brains are less pliable. But, because they focus far more selectively on information that achieves a particular goal, they’re more efficient.
In other words, we may sacrifice an excitement for new possibilities in our search to achieve goals like getting good grades, getting a good job, and figuring out the fastest path to mastery. And as we gain mastery in a certain set of ideas, we “become increasingly reluctant to give those ideas up and try something new,” according to the article’s author, a psychology professor at UC Berkeley.
So perhaps there’s a biological reason adults are more resistant to pursuing a dream or trying something new. But I think a lot of people fear taking a risk or pursuing a dream for the simple reason that they’re afraid of failure. That it won’t work. That it will lead to bad things … including, as one listener commented on my first MPR post, that they will not be able to provide for their families anymore. And, of course, it goes beyond that. There’s also the fear that they will be seen by others as a failure. Ridiculed. With a loss of stature and a loss of respect.
All of which are significant outcomes to fear. And … as I’ve said before (and will say again), deciding what risks are worth it is a deeply personal decision. But in terms of fears of failure, and how to cope with that risk … a few more thoughts on the subject.
First, I’m lucky to live in Silicon Valley, where an entrepreneurial spirit is celebrated. Live here for a while, and you see the difference culture makes. Because entrepreneurship is celebrated here, failure is also an accepted, and acceptable, outcome. People talk freely about “my first start-up,” “my next company did better, but …” and then dive into telling you about their next, current new idea. It really is something. So even if not all of those entrepreneurs actually learn, or learn the right lessons, from their failures, I agree with venture capitalist Randy Komisar, who wrote that “accepting failure as a culture creates the room for trial and error, experience, and the laboratory of innovation. The fact that certain people cannot get beyond failure does not weaken that proposition. Silicon Valley thrives on not punishing failures with more.”
Second, regardless of whether the venture is in a supportive entrepreneurial community, or a more traditional-employment culture, stepping out into a tough, uncharted venture, pursuing a passion, or taking any risk … which means basically yelling out to the world “I’m going to make a go of this!!!” … is a really brave thing to do. Why? Because it truly might not work. (If it were guaranteed to work, it wouldn’t be an adventure, or contain any risk. And it would be the safe road, not the explorer’s road.)
So what do you do to: a) keep the fear of failure at bay and b) cope if your effort doesn’t pan out?
1) Don’t just act on impulse. Think a big change through. How important is this thing to you? If you don’t do it, will you look back at 70 and wonder “what if?” Will you regret not giving it a try? But balance that desire against “who’s counting on me, and can I do this without risking harm to them?” (Note: My father quit his job and started his own company when I was 10. He was the sole income earner in our family, and he had three children to feed. We lived on savings for three years, ate more turkey soup than I care to remember, wore hand-me-downs and Sears put-on-shop fireproof jeans, took no vacations and bought no new “things”. But we had food, love, and a roof over our heads. So I do not consider a change of financial status to be inherently harmful. In fact, the experience taught all of us what we could really live without—a valuable lesson that gave us more strength and freedom.) But look clearly at the risks and consequences as best you can see them, and ask whether you, and those you love, can handle the potential downsides.
2) Don’t risk more than you can afford to lose. Figure out your “hard deck”, as pilots would say. And come up with a plan for what you’re going to do if and when you get there.
3) Keep in mind that failure is one of the toughest challenges and lessons of a hero’s journey. Every person, and every hero, falls down. And in the end, success or failure isn’t completely in your control. So what’s important isn’t whether or not you fall, but how you get back up again. There can be extraordinary learning in failure, so if things don’t work out, know you can gain tremendous wisdom from the experience, as long as you don’t run away from the discomfort of it … wisdom that can make your next venture far more successful. But if you’ve given something you’re passionate about your best shot, you can actually be at peace with the outcome, even in failure.
4) And as for the ridicule of others … one of the things any hero has to do is to grow beyond being too dependent on the opinion of others. Learn to love and accept yourself when the world isn’t throwing garlands at your feet for some external “success,” and you will develop a strength that nobody can ever take away from you. It is a brave thing to do, to try something new, or take a risk. Few people … including most of the people who criticize a failure … have the courage to step out and take a risk like that. So the effort is something to be proud of, no matter what the outcome. Hold your chin high, and seek out kindred spirits who can share a commiserative laugh about the roller-coaster-ride path of an explorer hero who has the courage to seek beyond the limits of what’s known, safe, or predictable.
More thoughts later.
I was struck by your view of failure and how it relates back to your childhood. My dad was a farmer. It was his passion and his life. But when I was a child (2nd of 4) he chose to go out and get a ‘real’ job off the farm, and pursued his passion on nights and weekends. The huge benefit to our family was the priceless experience of growing up on a farm, eating VERY WELL, and not missing the stuff most kids my age had.
Now, in my own life, I can’t quite seem to leave the ‘real job’ and pursue my passion fulltime, but I am working on making it my nights-and-weekends job and hoping that will be enough.
Renay –
I think one of the toughest questions to resolve, and one that each one of us has to wrestle with individually, with our own set of weighted priorities and trade-offs, is how to balance taking care of those we love with inspiring them to believe in the value of a passion-driven path in life. There is no right answer. That’s what makes it tough, and complex. If we sacrifice all that makes us passionate and alive, we teach our children that passion isn’t something valuable, or possible. But if we risk their safety, or well-being, for a selfish interest, we have done them a grave disservice. And that’s the challenge … to find a balance between the care we need to provide and the inspiration we both need for ourselves, and need to teach and model for our families. And it’s one more people are struggling with than you might imagine. So you have company, for what that’s worth. Keep the faith, and good luck.
Great interview and follow up posts. Getting comfortable with failure is so important. It’s a word that we’ve been conditioned to fear, and indeed insecure individuals sometimes will try to use it as a weapon. Better, the scientists adage that “no well-designed experiment is a failure”. Your advice helps by suggesting a rational approach to the essential need to experiment (navigate, evaluate, innovate) and learn. Tina Seelig talks about the importance of failure in her book “What I Wish I Knew When I Was 20”, and even tells of how she suggests that her students keep a “Failure Resume”. Scary concept at first, but once you think about it, tremendously valuable!
Most people seem to discourage risk not out of meanness or spite (although there are a significant minority who may, or a minority with outisized significance – your mother say), but for the fact that they cannot see the path to success. They cannot visualize how you get from here to there. They are useful in a way, because if you can’t articulate how you are going to get from here to there, you might not be ready for the journey. If you are not looking for approval, take the opportunity to expand your horizons by including and overcoming whatever was causing their objection.
On the other hand getting comfortable with the idea of failure is a tricky idea. Failure has to motivate, to make one uncomfortable and to spur on more effort, creativity, or whatever is needed to eventually succeed. It can’t sit well or the attempt is too easily abandoned and chalked up to experience.