When “Being Ourselves” Means Losing Part of Ourselves

The picture that most easily comes to mind, in imagining what “The adventure of being yourself” means, is that of a young-ish person doing something bold, exciting, and adventurous. Rock or mountain-climbing, maybe, or pursuing a dream career. It almost certainly conjures up notions of activities and paths that benefit us, or are aligned strongly with our individual desires and priorities. And to a certain degree, that is true. Being ourselves means figuring out what matters most to us and making choices that help us create a life that nurtures and gives expression to those values, priorities, and dreams.

But here’s where it gets more complicated. As I note in the book manuscript I just finished (Speaking Up: The Hard-Won Power of a Woman’s Authentic Voice), one of the three essential elements researchers have concluded lead to long-term happiness is having a sense of meaning in our lives. And while we can feel fulfillment, exhilaration and joy from pursuing something that’s just about us, a sense of meaning generally comes from committing ourselves to something we believe matters beyond ourselves. 

That point is relevant, because often, that kind of meaningful pursuit involves some kind of sacrifice in what we would otherwise do, if our own pleasure were all we cared about. Take parenting. Study after study concludes that having kids does not “make” us happy. How happy we are as parents is directly tied to how happy we were before we had kids. Studies also point to tangible (if temporary) decreases in quality of parents’ personal day-to-day happiness, marital happiness, and time for partners and selves—especially when children are small and require so much time and attention. So why do so many people still point to children as such an important and positive element in their lives? It’s because despite the hits to personal need-fulfillment it invariably entails, having children can give us such a powerful sense of meaning. As a December 2010 article in The Economist put it, “Having children … tends to make people feel better about their life as a whole, but also increases the chance that they felt angry or anxious yesterday.”

That dichotomy exists because being a good parent—especially when children are small—often means sacrificing some of what used to make us happy in the moment, or even sacrificing a professional persona or lifestyle we used to identify ourselves by, for the sake of making sure our children get what they need in order to be okay. Deciding to become a parent is a life-changing choice and undertaking that can leave us struggling over losing our “old selves” even as we celebrate the new meaning and significance that children bring us.

In truth, we often have to let go of “old selves” as we go through stages of our lives. Going out dancing at bars every weekend may have been an integral part of how we saw our identity in our 20s, but few people in their 50s still see that as an important part of who they are. If we’re emotionally healthy, we change, grow and evolve as we age, and we have to shed our “old selves” to keep our sense of “self” current. An authentic self is a not a static entity.

But letting go of parts of our old selves because we’re done with them is easier than letting go of them because we have to choose between competing priorities. Which is, of course, what parenting is all about. There was, in fact, an excellent essay on that very dilemma in The New York Times last weekend, written by a woman who chose to stay home with her two small children. After frankly discussing her struggles over losing her “old self” to tend to her children, the author finally concluded on a note of hope: “Maybe the old me was not really dead, just changed, and the reward of my choice to stay home would not be better-off kids but a better self.”

There is something powerful in an honest appraisal and acceptance of not only our choices, but also the trade-offs and potential benefits and costs they entail. Having that grounded ability to see and be at peace with those trade-offs is also, incidentally, one of the benefits of developing a strong sense of authentic self and voice. If we’re very clear about what matters most to us, the sacrifices that accompany choices we make based on those values and priorities become easier to live with. We become not only capable of remaining “ourselves” despite the pieces we have to let go of; we also become happier people. With or without kids, and regardless of what paths we end up choosing.