It’s a new year! A time of new beginnings and well-meant, if famously ill-kept, resolutions about how we’re going to improve either ourselves or our lives in the coming months. We’re going to work out at the gym three days every week. Eat healthier foods. Lose weight. Be more organized and productive. Balance work and family better. Be less flawed.
At the same time, it’s important not to confuse less flawed with flawless. It’s both good and important to commit ourselves to continually working on ourselves and the quality of our lives. Meaningful lives don’t just happen, and becoming our best selves is a lifelong journey. But in our efforts to become and remain that best and most authentic self, it’s important to keep in mind that there’s also a lot to be said for making peace with a certain level of flaws.
For one thing, aspiring to perfection is not only futile (a point most of us recognize, at least rationally), it’s also exhausting and often counter-productive. That’s why Alcoholics Anonymous stresses the idea of “progress, not perfection.” Beating ourselves up for not making that goal of working out three days a week is far more likely to discourage us into giving up entirely, having blown that too-difficult goal, than to guilt us into a higher level of motivation.
And yet, most of us still harbor fantasy wishes or dreams of perfection, at least in areas where being perfect would prevent uncomfortable criticism. Straight As. An all-positive performance review. A flawless outfit. Unmitigated praise by our work peers and supervisors. Attaining the status of Top ___(fill in the blank here: performer, salesperson, producer, etc.). Unless we possess the dysfunctional armor of malignant narcissism, most of us don’t like being criticized. So we’re highly motivated to avoid that discomfort. And women––especially European-American women raised in middle-and upper-class families––often feel perfectionist pressure particularly acutely.
But attractive as it might seem, perfection––even if if we could attain it––is highly overrated. And wishing too hard for it can actually hurt our ability to be our best and strongest selves––for a couple of reasons. Aside from the exhaustion involved, aiming for perfection keeps us from developing two really important strengths: resilience, and the ability and willingness to explore outside our comfort zones.
One of the themes that emerged in my research on what it takes for a woman to find and bring her authentic self and voice into the world was the importance of developing a strong sense of resilience. After all, speaking up with our truth, or pursuing a deeply-felt dream or vision, doesn’t always lead to social acceptance or immediate professional success. It’s why so many of us hesitate to speak up, dissent from the group-think surrounding us, or leave “safe” career paths to pursue callings or ventures that are less predictable, but offer greater potential for happiness, fulfillment, and meaning.
To find the courage to counter those risks, we have to learn how to handle conflict, avoid crumbling in the face of rejection or criticism, and rebound from setbacks and failures. And the only way we learn those things is through practice (accompanied by some internal reflection, questioning, and fact-checking of others’ comments, actions, or criticisms). We can’t learn how to get back up again if we never allow ourselves to fall down. And the longer we go without falling down, the more likely we are to fear the consequences of stumbling.
The Silicon Valley mantra of “fail early and often” is designed to root out bugs in evolving, innovative ideas, but it applies to the development of resilience, as well. Learning to cope with failure, rejection, and conflict requires us to experience those things, and then: a) realize that we’re not actually going to die because of them, and b) develop coping strategies to make us more effective and resilient when we encounter them in the future.
The strongest people––those most able to be authentic individuals and leaders in the world––are those who don’t require everyone to like them, agree with them, or even necessarily approve of what they’re doing. They have an internal compass, calibrated with an important level of honest self-awareness, that allows them to consider criticism without fearing it, and come to their own conclusions about what input to integrate or believe. It’s a strength built on a compassionate acceptance of their imperfections along with a steadfast belief in their gifts and abilities––and a confidence in their ability to rebound from mistakes or failures, based on a history of practice and experience in doing just that. And again, nobody develops that strength if they’re always focused on stepping carefully enough that they never stumble.
Beyond that resilient and foundational strength, wishes of perfection can also hinder us by making us less willing to try things outside our comfort zones, where we’re not sure we’ll succeed. That’s a big cost, because our most important learning about ourselves––the kind that not only develops our confidence, independence and skills, but also expands our perspectives, clarifies what we value most, and allows us to discover our true passions––comes from exploring outside those zones. We have to be willing to fail in order to discover and learn new things––including discoveries that might transform our lives or visions of ourselves in unexpected and wondrous ways. We discover our authentic selves and voices not only through reflection, but through exploration. And exploration is, by definition, a process of trial and error.
What’s more, fear of imperfection also limits our ability to think outside the box or find better or more creative solutions in whatever field we choose to pursue. If our top priority is not making a mistake we can be criticized for, we’re always going to be looking for a “safe” solution, which means something acceptable to the groupthink of the moment, or a “proven” approach––even if that’s not the bestapproach. As psychologist Adam Grant noted in a recent essay in The New York Times, “Getting straight As requires conformity. Having an influential career demands originality…. Career success is rarely about finding the right solution to a problem––it’s more about finding the right problem to solve.” He points out that great architects and innovators (including Steve Jobs) rarely graduated with 4.0 grade point averages––and that Google has discovered that once employees are two or three years out of college, their college grades have no impact on their job performance. Why is that? My guess is a combination of two things: first, that grade point averages don’t reflect many important real-life personality traits, skills, or abilities, and second, because success at Google requires creative problem solving and innovation, not fearful perfection-seeking. But in reality, every business needs that kind of employee and leadership.
The world is full of very sticky problems, and as NASA scientists and engineers used to explain to me, even the best computer models of what we already know can’t extrapolate that knowledge into an unknown realm. To figure out what works in new situations or territories, we have to explore and experiment. And to do that requires an acceptance of not only some level of risk, but some amount of failure and imperfection.
That doesn’t mean we should give ourselves a pass for being careless, insensitive, self-absorbed, or any other flaws that negatively impact those we live or work with, or for making no attempt at self-improvement or living healthier lives. But the goal should be progress, not perfection. Embracing a certain level of imperfection give us margin to focus on what’s really important. It also gives us the freedom to explore the world, allowing us to become better, stronger, and happier versions of ourselves, and gives us the freedom to be more creative thinkers and problem-solvers, helping us to become better leaders.
In short, we all ought to season those lofty New Year’s resolutions for self-improvement with a reminder to embrace not only the inevitability of imperfection, but the gifts it carries, as well. We might just find ourselves improved in ways we never even thought to put on the list.
